i thought i was doing the right thing

Ha! You’ll notice, if you listen, that you hear my fan going in the background. I wasn’t kidding about moving air being a must for me :-)

 

I didn’t realize when I got married, almost 14 years ago, that there were certain societal expectations to being a wife and mom (ok, so I’d been a mom for 7 years already by the time I got married, but something changes with the piece of paper). I didn’t realize, and wasn’t prepared for it.

Up until I got married, I’d been pretty particular about things like:

  • having my own space and my own time. Both. Regularly.

  • going to sleep with music and ceiling fan on (moving air is a must for me)

  • having candles going. Constantly. Different scents, even :-)

  • moving things around on the regular… feng shui, fresh energy, etc…

  • the list goes on, but you get the idea

What never occurred to me until after the wedding, was that my honey might not necessarily dig all the same things that I did, or at least not to the same degree. And because that never occurred to me, it also never dawned on me that I may need to have some compromise somewhere.

I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I did end up compromising. Only in this case, being the semi-martyr that was my tendency (we can talk about just how unhealthy this is, and how it may have fed into Depression and anxiety for me another time.. because UGH), and not knowing any better… I did more than compromise. I more or less gave up many of the things that fed me.

Which leads me to today & what I really want to talk about.

As I mentioned on Instagram recently, I’ve just moved into my own office space (within our home), and it’s been the process of doing this that has re-awakened so many things within me. I’m remembering that having my own distinct space, to which I can retreat on the regular, is vital. I’m remembering that being able to have my fan (moving air, y’all.. I’m telling you… #orginarymagick), and my own music playing whenever I like… that having a beeswax candle burning and my essential oil diffuser going at the same time.. these things are a balm to my very soul.

And what’s even more interesting, is that as I pay attention to these wants / needs of mine… the inner-grabby-girl that I’d been wrestling with over the last (lotsa) years… she’s quieting down. It’s the damndest thing, you know? She just wasn’t getting what she needed, and because I wasn’t listening any other way, she was acting out in the only ways she knew how (eating too much, buying too much, that kind of thing). I think we both feel better now.

I share this experience with you because I want you to take a look at the things in your life that you are doing because you think that it makes you ‘a good girl’, or makes you ‘a good mom / wife / whatever’. Do those things really make you good? What is good anyway?? And who says you’re not good right now just as you are (desires, needs, and all)??? Do we really want to show our littles that we have less value (and are therefore automatically the ones to make these sacrifices) as they grow up and consciously or unconsciously start emulating us in their own lives and passing this down? I know I don’t.

I say it’s a ton more valuable to find ways to meet our own needs, and teach them that they too can take responsibility for their own needs. That they don’t need to wait for their white knight (in whatever form that may take for them) to make things better. They can do what’s right for themselves, and trust that this will also, ultimately, be good for those around them.

(Side note - before I get hate mail, etc… know that I’m not saying that we needn’t ever compromise, and that we shouldn’t put our loved ones first at times. I’m only saying that we damn sure shouldn’t be automatically putting ourselves last all the time. Period.)

Ok - now I want to know what you think about all of this. Have you done this in your own life? How did it turn out? Did it take some time to work out something better? How did you do that? Share in the comments!