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(Yeah, yeah… I know I pronounced raucous wrong - it’ll be ok ;-) )
The above is an excerpt from (what I think may be) a book I’ll write. Eventually. It came to me as I was trying to go to sleep a couple of weekends ago. If I recall correctly (and let’s be honest, I don’t always remember how old I am, so….) it was a Sunday night & I already had monkey-mind going about work stuff the following day.
Anyway - it popped to mind as I sat here today trying to decide what to write about. It’s wild how Depression can grab me by the throat and make me wish I were no longer around sometimes… and then at other times (when I’m free from its presence), I feel like life is just far too short for all the goodness it contains.
Isn’t that weird? (Do you ever experience anything like this?)
For example… I look out the window right now, and can see that the wind is blowing pretty strong. We’re not talking about hurricane force here, but enough so that the Cypress trees are dancing together. And, as far as I can tell, they are performing joyfully for each other, for all of Life, and for me.
A patch of sunlight is falling across the floor just in front of Lexi’s crate, and she wants to be comfy in her crate (this pampered princess has pillows & blankets galore) but she also wants to laze in that sunlight (or so I imagine) so she stretches a paw out to be in the warmth of the light.
I can sit here now, after the busy-ness of this weekend, and breathe. Feel my heart finally slow to a reasonable rate. Feel my breathing lengthen and deepen. Feel my stress levels lower.
Turning up the music in the car, really loud, and driving on open road with the windows down and the air on. Pure pleasure.
There are moments, like these, when I feel just so damn grateful for it all. All of it, including the heartbreak of loss. Including the warm, clean sheets on a cold night. Including the shattering of Depression. Including Lexi knowing when I could really do with having her nearby. All of it.
What this leads me back to (what this always leads me back to) is a remembering that this is all I’ve got (pssst… it’s all you’ve got too), and if I don’t do something with it now, when will I (when will you)?
My absolute biggest fear in life is that I’ll get to the end of it, and have regrets… and that it’ll be far too late to do anything about them.
I do not want to die wishing I’d lived my life differently. I do not want to get to the end knowing that I squandered the gifts and the talents and the energy and the ideas that I was given.
I want to live. Now. To make it all mean something. And for that, I’ve got to be brave and jump sometimes.
What about you? What jumps are you making in your life right now? How are you living bravely?